Today, let’s just laugh. It’s Monday. We all need a reason.
I never have awesome jokes. People say, "tell me a joke,” and my mind always goes blank. I’m a wit man. I like to make humor on the fly.
So, I asked you all on my Facebook page for your Best. Short jokes. Ever. And you delivered. In fact, you delivered a few posts worth of them. Haha.
So thank you. I will now be a funny old man someday. Oh, and some of them were a leeeeettle bit naughty. Or politically incorrect. Or just plain wrong. I pushed those to the last page so that those of you who aren’t as "free spirited” as someone like me can skip them if you like.
Or skip straight to them. Whatever floats your boat.
BEST. SHORT JOKES. EVER.
Why was the ocean embarrassed? ‘Cause all the fish could see it’s bottom!
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? TEN-TICKLES!
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It’s a really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.
Man walks into a Dr.’s office with a duck on his head. Dr. says, "May I help you?” Duck says, "Yeah – get this guy off my butt!”
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?? A stick!
Did you hear about the movie "Constipation”? … It never came out…
If someone who speaks 3 languages is trilingual, and someone who speaks 2 languages is bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks 1 language? … American!
A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the cops show up and ask him what happened he replies, "I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
3 strings walk into a bar. First one orders a drink. Bartender says we don’t serve your kind in here. So the second string ties itself into a bow and proceeds to order a drink. Nope, says the bartender, you’re a string. Third string ties itself into a knot and frays each end. Orders a drink. Bartender eyes the string up and down and says, aren’t you a string? And the string says, frayed knot!
Did you hear about the guy who lost the entire left side of his body in an accident? … don’t worry…..he’s all right now.
Where do generals keep their armies? In their sleevies!
Never trust an atom. They make everything up.
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? Because someone told him to get a long little doggie.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Why did the snail paint an "s” on his car? So that when he drove down the street, his friends would say, "look at that s- car go!”
How do you say Constipated in German? Farfrompoopin.
What did the black bug say as it slid down the zebras back? No you see me, now you don’t, now you see me, now you don’t.
What’s brown and sits in the Forrest? Winnie’s pooh.
What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea? He drowned in his tea-pee!
What are the similarities between a plum and an elephant? They are both purple except the elephant.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, I think I’ve lost an electron. The other says, Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
One snake says to the other snake, are we poisonous? The other replies, I don’t know why do you ask?, the first snake replies because I just bit my lip!
What’s the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
What did the snail say as he was riding the turtle? Answer: WEEEE!
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? They’re shellfish!!
What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet? "Supplies!”
My dad’s joke was "you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln.” (person is confused since his name was Jim.) He then responds, "We’ll, I wasn’t named before him!”